Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
