why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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