hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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