Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
