today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Damn victory sex feels great
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
