i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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