pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
