It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
