apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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