Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
