come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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