he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
