I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
