New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
