I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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