Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
