My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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