no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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