I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
