I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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