i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
