So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
