I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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