What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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