I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
