Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
