Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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