six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
