We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
