I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
