Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
