she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I need to align my fucking chakras
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