I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
