tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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