You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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