my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
