Can Purell be used as lube?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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