he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
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