im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
