wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
