Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
