Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
