I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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