I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
