if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have tasted many bathrooms
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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