I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
