My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
