White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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