Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
