I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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